Get Your Head Out of Your Ask!
You get closer by asking to be
Often couples are in my office with one or both partners bemoaning that they don’t get much from their partner. They often report that when they do ask for some love, they seldom get anywhere. At some point people give up and don’t ask their partner for more or for some understanding of what is going on and how to fix it.
It is important to pay attention to the times you asked and got what you wanted. Even if that’s one in ten times, pay attention to what you got, how you got it, and respond in a way that will encourage more. Don’t make a bigger deal out of a “no” than it is. “No” isn’t rejection. Well, sometimes it is, but sometimes it’s just a “no” that has little to do with you.
In one couple I saw this year, the woman, believed her husband didn’t want to be close to her. She interpreted his isolating behavior as rejecting her and she believed it’s because he finds her unattractive. After many attempts, I finally get her to ask him about his isolation and if she is unattractive to him. His reply shocked her.
Her husband explained that he began withdrawing when he had started having premature ejaculation events. He had never had this before and was avoiding situations that might become sexual. He told her that he found her incredibly attractive. He just didn’t want to let her down. He was embarrassed.
It had taken me 20 minutes to get her to ask him what was going on. She believed her interpretation and wasn’t able to see that there could be another possible explanation. It doesn’t take much to figure out that she was not as sure of herself as he believed she should be. She stopped asking and was miserably content with her erroneous explanation. She gave up.
Complaining and giving up are too easy. A wise old therapist told me many years ago that I should tell partners to never stop asking. As in all things relational it helps to talk and to be vulnerable. I have been telling clients to aks for over 40 years and it’s been helpful to me and to my clients.
Hockey Legend,Wayne Gretzky, said, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” I wonder if he saw the same wise old therapist I did.
So, Ask already!
Curiosity is a Key Ingredient to Good Communication
Curiosity! In love relationships, when we first meet most of us are insanely curious about each other. Two hour talks are nothing! We all know stories of couples falling asleep while in the midst of an hours long stretch of talking to each other on the phone. Everything our beloved says is interesting, endearing, cute… and we are fascinated. “So, What’s your sign?”, What’s your major?”, “What do you do for a living”, and other classic conversation starters are statements from the curious, and the sometime unimaginative suitor.
Learning the ways of another becomes a pleasurable activity early on. We want to know every detail, though some are more important than others. Questions are ways we determine who we are with and what similarities and differences there are. This curiosity is an important early bonding process we use to select mates. If curious questions continue throughout the relationship it builds and deepens connection.
It’s intoxicating and flattering to find someone so curious about us. Those who are interested in us are going to be more attractive. Obviously they are showing great taste and intellect when they see how interesting we are. This is the stuff of love in the making.
Later, as we become more familiar, a little of the mystery starts to erode. We begin to think we know their responses before they respond. This happens often in my office. When I ask the speaker to check out their belief of what the other was going to say they are right about 50% of the time. That’s pretty good for guessing, but bad for communication. These couples come into my office not listening to each other. They make statement after statement that they already know what the other is going to say.
Stay curious, my friends. Stay in a constant state of wondering what the one you love is thinking. Find out what’s going on and what they want and need. Make fewer statements about the other’s thoughts and ideas, and ask more questions. If each of us stays curious and respectful, the learning continues, though certainly not at the rapid pace of the first year of the relationship.
Even when you think you know what the other means or wants, ask your partner if your theory is correct. Ask! Ask with respect and curiosity because our partners are always growing and changing. Life has that effect on us. Check out what your are hearing. “So, do I have this right that you want us to go visit your mother this summer, or is there something I’m missing?”
Forget what we heard about Curiosity. It didn’t kill the cat, it enriched its life. Love is a mystery never to be solved.
“Seek to Understand, before you seek to be Understood” ~ Steven Covey ( with credit to Saint Francis of Assisi”)
Men Are Not Always Wrong
I heard this joke the other day. “If a man speaks in the forest and no woman is present to hear him, is he still wrong?” Every woman I have asked says, “yes”. Tee shirts like the one above make men wrong no matter what they do. If she is wearing that and I spend 2 seconds looking at it, Im a pig. If I just look her in the eyes, like I am always told I should, then I am unaware and insensitive to women’s issues.
It’s obvious that a man told the joke. He’s a famous guy for us couple therapists, John Gottman. His point is that what men want or do isn’t always wrong. It is taken for granted that we guys are simple creatures that just want a good meal and sex. This is an exaggeration of what we really want, safety and connection. Satisfy our connection with letting us know we are wanted and desired and then make it safe for us when we come into the home after exiting the hostile outside world. Doesn’t that work for both genders?
While it’s true that men often want sex more than our female partners, it’s a big mistake to see that as something shallow and crass. I get that it’s no great help that so many guys approach this in crude ways. That’s often just to hide how needy we are.
Sex represents ultimate intimate connection to men just as much as it does to women. Men are capable of being lusty. But I see a lot cases where the woman wants more sex. It’s no wonder that there are 7,345,230 articles in women’s magazines, just this week, about how to get men interested in sex. I think that’s interesting, even if I made up the numbers.
Men want connection as much or more than women. Don’t mistake men’s style of asking for intimacy as any less that women wanting to cuddle or talk. The styles used by men and women are so different that it’s easy to make fun of both. That, dear friends, is beneath you. We don’t make fun of the other gender! No, that would be wrong, … oh so wrong.
” I was an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me…She said she only liked me as a friend.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
“I always hold hands with my wife. If I let go, she shops.”~ Unknown
“ A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.” ~Unknown
“Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.”~ Unknown
The point is it’s too easy to make fun of the other. Understanding requires time, curiosity, and patience. Listen, ask questions, make sure you heard correctly and then think how much men and women are alike in our wants and desires. We express them very differently, but we are not so different. Not that the differences aren’t amazing.
Finally, A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does. No one knows more about relationships than I do, and I know nothing.
If You Must Divorce Do It Well, The Kids are Watching
Well, That's One Way to Divide the Property
No matter how hard we try as couples and therapists, some marriages are going to end in divorce. That saddens me, because it’s not that hard to save most marriages if people will change just a few things. Things such as becoming a better communicator, a more positive person, or even a more sober person. Successful relationships are the backbone of a successful life.
Divorce just blows. However, I am seeing a growing trend of couples pulling off a decent respectful divorce. I give them all the credit in the world for doing so, especially when there are children. It’s important for them to see their parents stay civil and treat each other with respect when going through divorce. It’s well known that divorce whacks the children even more that the adults.
Here’s some 6 tips on how to divorce well.
1. Stay in business mode when discussing the separation and settlement. Be fair, polite, kind, and in control of your emotions.
2. Keep in mind that you both will be able to settle most of the details together. Focus on the things you can agree on, saving the disagreements for another time. Establish a positive expectation for every future conversation. Uncontested divorces with attorneys will cost about $10,000 for each of you. Do as much as you can to handle the settlement between you.
3. Be open to mediation for the few things you can’t work out yourselves. Approach mediation with an attitude that you want to have a good outcome with your partner. Letting a judge do it is riskier that negotiating and a lot more painful financially and emotionally.
4. Think in the long term when negotiating your divorce. Try to remember that someday your grandchildren will get married and you two will be up in the front row with your wheel chairs parked next to each other. It would be cool if you weren’t still swinging your canes at each other.
5. If you do get attorneys, find ones that know and like each other. It will be easier for them to settle than if you have attorney’s that don’t like or don’t know each other.
6. Remember that your family and friends are watching. I tell my clients to take the high road at every opportunity. The relationships with all parties are enhanced over time by those who hold themselves to the highest standards, despite what the other may do.
In the end, divorce still is painful and expensive. Take care of yourself while going through it. Eat well, exercise, have some time with friends that’s fun and supportive. Thriving after divorce is the goal for all involved. If you pull that off, then you’ve done it well.
If you change your mind there are always therapists like me that can help you get it back together.
A Recipe for Depression
What's happened to me? I used to be somebody!!
Ingredients:
1 Cup of Avoidance
2 Cups of Worry
3 to 9 Hours of television (Video games or social media may be substituted)
1 Standard sized couch (lounge chair may be substituted)
3 Unhealthy meals a day
3/4 Cup of Pessimism
A pinch of Cynicism (Social or Occupational Cynicism may both be used)
Sprinkle lightly with genetic pre-dispositions
Avoidance and worry are key ingredients that must be mixed carefully to avoid frothing. If you have trouble avoiding things and worrying you may have to find a willing partner to help you stay away from uncomfortable topics.
Avoid discussing finances, sex and parenting and you can create a perfect formula for making yourselves a little nuts over time. To complete this formula take whatever you have avoided and think about it incessantly. Share your worries with no one, ever.
After gently combining Avoidance and Worry, slowly add the couch and 3 to 9 hours of television.
Next, mix in the unhealthy eating, this may be done on the couch while watching TV to get the maximum effect.
Add the Pessimism and stir vigorously while adding the Cynicism. Sprinkle the top of the mix with any amount of genetic pre-dispositions you can find.
This dish can be served cold, baked, toasted, fried.
Most prefer baked, or being baked. Half baked is OK, too.
This dish is best served with a fine chianti and fava beans.
While this recipe provides enough for one serving, the recipe can easily be expanded to serve whole families and communities, perhaps nations.
Warnings:
A steady diet of this recipe will lead to some risks. Sharp objects, guns, and other tools of self harm should not be in the same house where this recipe is prepared.
Please keep out of the hands of children.
Overdoses may be treated by a competent therapist.
Bon Appetit!
PS We can help at smarterrelationships.com.
I Didn’t Sign Up To Fight With You
Discuss, not fight!!
I decided to be a lover, not a fighter. I was probably about 8 when I decided that course of action after watching another ugly mean fight between my parents. I didn’t want to see that again.
We do have good cause to argue. Major issues are worthy of the energy and even the risk that an argument requires.
Just make sure its a big deal before you have such arguments. Most are not big or important. 90% of couple conflict is just misunderstandings. Make sure you explore that first.
Big deals involve topics like selling the house, having another child, solving financial struggles, and drinking too much. Big issues are worth the fight.
ANYTHING ELSE is not worth it and is detrimental. We need to be tolerant of the stupid things our partners say. We need to be forgiving of the dumb stuff they do. Of course I want the same kind of tolerance for my missteps. Don’t call out the troops when all that’s needed is a talk. Slow it down.
One night I walked into the bathroom for one of my middle of the night excursions and found the hot water in my wife’s sink running gently. It had been running for hours by the time nature called me.
I had a brief flashback of such events when I grew up and could imagine my very angry father waking my mom and yelling at her that “money doesn’t grow on trees” and that she had to wake up and turn off the water in her sink. That would have been a lesson for her and a punishment.
That flashback took .1 second. In the next .1 second I reached over and turned off the hot water. The next morning I mentioned it in an offhand manner to my wife and that was it. I was soooo proud!
It sounds so easy, but I was brought up to react like my father. My natural course was to be mean about catching my wife not being perfect. What nonsense. Nothing would have been gained and some goodwill would have been spent on a useless rage.
Remember, almost nothing is worth fighting, yelling or glaring over. It had better be damn big before we jeopardize ourselves like that. Avoid angry fights and embrace soft talks and fun discussions like the couple in the picture above.
To have these productive talks remember that you want the fight to solve a problem, not to hurt or punish the person for breaking some rule. The book, “Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff – and its all small stuff”, by Richard Carlson, really says it well.
We can settle our problems without getting out of control or even angry. Just be kind and speak your truth in the most loving way you can. That’s the basis for a fight worth having.
When in doubt, the best reaction is said in the most loving and kind way you can conjure up. Be a lover, not a fighter.
Do it!!
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Movie Review: Jeff, Who Lives At Home
Comedy and Tragedy via Boxter
Jeff, Who Lives at Home is a different kind of family movie, the kind you don’t take kids to. You might want to take them once they’re out of high school. It will surely offend some adults by its language and some of it’s themes. It also starts out very slowly as the characters develop. I was bored for the first 20 minutes, but afterward appreciated the time spent to draw the viewer into Jeff’s world. Too many movies don’t take the time to involve the viewer, other than by blowing up a lot of real estate and hardware.
The film features an accomplished cast, most notably Jason Segel and Susan Sarandon. The supporting actors are very strong. Judy Greer steals every scene she’s in, no matter if it’s on television (Two and Half Men) or the big screen (The Descendants). It seems like she is everywhere in last few years, yet I never tire of her acting. I love her here as well.
Rae Dawn Chong and especially Ed Helms are strong in their roles as well. Helms (The Office) evolves his character convincingly. For me this cast has chemistry. Segel is an interesting actor/writer. He wrote the latest Muppet Movie and then turns around and does this somewhat philosophical family piece. He’s intriguing and intellectual as well as kind of funny. He’s not Woody Allen, yet I find some of the same enjoyable characteristics. He’s certainly easier to take the Allen.
The story is about a family of two thirty something sons and their mother. When we meet them they seem disconnected and in constant conflict. The husband and father died years earlier leaving this family emotionally adrift. The rest of the movie concerns itself with Jeff’s attempts to make sense of his life and the mystery of living. Unlike Woody Allen he doesn’t muse out loud about every deep thought. Still, the deep thoughts are in there somewhere. You can see them through his facial expressions.
Reviewers have been somewhat cool to this movie. It seems to reach certain groups well and is lost for people who go expecting to see a comedy. It’s funny at times, but it is not a comedy. If you go expecting it to be an exploration of the meaning of life and love, you will not be disappointed. Then the humor is just a bonus.
I recommend this movie when you are in a thoughtful mood. The ending is well written, interesting and meaningful…to Jeff and to us.
Struggling with Those You Love? Here’s one idea…
Even if they infuriate us, approach your kids with kindness
One of the oldest and wisest sayings I’ve learned in my career is, “Catch people doing something right, and then acknowledge it”. I thought at first this was about changing other people. The idea to me was to encourage the best in children, family friends and employees. I continue to see that this works in all aspects of life. It is a highly effective technique.
What I didn’t recognize for years was that this worn out homily also has a profound influence on the one who is catching people doing something right. Once you start looking for what’s right in the world, it begins to change the way you look at the world around you.
Neuroscience has developed rapidly in the past few decades. What we think about how one gets a positive attitude has been enhanced. We have always known that the more you continue to think positively the more easily those thoughts come to you. Norman Vincent Peale’s, The Power of Positive Thinking, first published in 1952, was one early and important contribution to theories about how thinking affects behavior, happiness and success.
The opposite is also true, the longer you persist at looking at things negatively the more you will see in that dim light. Practice makes perfect. The more you do anything the easier it is do and continue to do until you tire of it.
In family relationships we can both change our brain and our behavior by practice. Here’s an example from my professional life. A woman came to me complaining that her children were taking their father’s “side” in the couples contentious divorce. The youngest daughter, a 12 year old, was refusing to visit the mom and complained that her mother was abusive and drinking too much.
Investigators from the county checked the story and the kid admitted she was lying. The lie was suspected because no one, not even the dad, said mom had ever been seen to be drunken or abusive to anyone. When I discussed this with the mom, she was furious at her daughter. I would be, too.
She said she wanted to confront the daughter and ask her why she’d lied, question her motives, and generally give her a piece of her well offended mind. It probably would also be asked, “Did your dad put you up to this?” (He didn’t) By the time she and I were done discussing this, she asked the little darling merely for an explanation. She said it something like this, “Honey, I know this divorce has been rough on us all, but I’m wondering what that last bit was all about. Can you help me understand it? I want us to stay close, but I really would like to know what that was all about.”
Rather than attacking her child and putting her on the defensive, she called upon all the good times the two of them had and asked how to get back to that. It was a long and emotional discussion. It worked.
When this kind of struggle comes up in any relationship, think about your response at least overnight. What is the most loving and positive thing you can say. That’s what you use. It will change the relationship, the child and you.
The thoughts of ripping them of a new one are OK if you never voice it. We have a right to be mad, but not ineffective and mean.
Love is Not Enough
Love was not enough for Katy and Russell
Dr. Joyce Dees was my first professional supervisor and an excellent mentor for a 21 year old unexperienced therapist. She gave me advice and wisdom that I have used the rest of my career. Clearly others influenced and inspired me, but she was the first to etch her influence on my rookie mind.
After a month of watching me work with the 5 to 12 year old boys in our locked unit she recommended a book. It’s title was “Love is not Enough”, by Bruno Bettelheim. I read it, or more accurately devoured it, in a few days even though I was working full time and going to school full time.
I wouldn’t recommend the book, as much has been debunked since 1968. I would, however, strongly recommend the message that Love is Not Enough. At first, I really did think that love would be what these little boys needed. This was a state hospital and our boys had been in an average of at least 5 other placements before ending up with us.
Love is necessary in parenting, teaching, marriages, and almost all work that we do, even if it’s just loving our work. Love is NECESSARY. But as Dr. Dees taught me in my rookie year, it is insufficient. Skill and thought out strategies, excellent communication and behavior is also needed for success with our work with each other.
Love is learned, but has an instinctual component. We can teach ways to be loving, but the emotion of love is more elemental. We can teach and learn all the rest of it. That’s what I do now for a living.
Four decades since working with Dr. Dees, I continue to teach or coach couples and individuals to be more loving and effective with each other. I’ve learned something important int he process; relationship skills can be learned by even the most emotionally deprived or inept of us. The exceptions are rare.
If you truly have not experienced loving behavior, even if you know you were loved, it is learnable. If you’ve been taught unloving and confusing ways it can be turned around. No one has to suffer or make others suffer in love. There are very few who are so mentally ill that they can’t improve.
The solution is that you have to get someone to help you. All the reading in the world, while helpful, isn’t enough. It will help. You can watch the tv shows and listen to the radio and that, too, will be helpful. It’s not enough.
We need to see it and experience effective love in order to become skillful. Malcolm Gladwell, in his book “Outliers”, says we have to practice for 10,000 hours to be masters of any skill. I think that after about 2000 hours you won’t need intense supervision, and after 5,000 hours you will require only some occasional consulting. After 10,000 hours you are a master and will need little help growing from there. You might even be able to teach and coach others.
In applying these rules to marriage it’s important to watch and learn from people that are able to pull off successful relationships and families. Hang out with them, ask questions, listen to their wisdom. Most of all be willing to learn and to accept that we can’t be great at marriage just because we love someone dearly.
We all start out thinking love is found and we are going to do well in our relationships because we have found the right person to love. But it’s not enough.
We need to learn how to be loving.
Some Reasons To Get Clean and Sober
In the US Alcoholics Anonymous and related 12 step programs, dominate the discussions about treatment for addiction. There is no doubt of the value of 12 step programs.
The 12 Steps and their variations are responsible for saving thousands of lives every year. If people can stay with the program and work it with a sponsor there is a high rate of success. Close to 80% of AA members improve their lives and health.
AA also doesn’t attract everyone. Clearly some are avoiding dealing with their addiction. Still others are looking for another program that may have features they find more attractive. Interestingly there is also a large group, almost half of all addicts, that just quits.
If your partner, child or friend has addiction problems, know that there are options. Support any attempt to get clean and sober. If they don’t want help there are ways of getting it for them. No one has to go through life addicted.
As one recovering Meth addict said recently, there is no pit so deep that you can’t climb out and find your way to a good life.
Over the years my work as a family therapist led to becoming an addictions interventionist. I have been through many very moving and successful interventions and a few that didn’t go well at all. I have seen families and addicts recover and have great lives.
There is one family that I continue to follow years after the intervention and treatment. They remain happy and the alcoholic is still sober. Life changes and becomes better every year for them.
This was a case where alcohol destroyed every fabric of this family’s life. Where once they were happy and close, they disintegrated into divorce and alienation. Where there had been wealth, bankruptcy and economic struggles took over. Where there had been health, there was cancer and death. The three who survived all are recovering and thriving. It’s been over 20 years and much healing has happened. At its worst, this family was going through some of the most painful experiences I have witnessed in my career.
Not surprisingly, in this case, as in many others, these were some of the nicest, most loving and kind people I knew, even when things were at their worst and the drinking almost killed the addict. He had been arrested after passing out with one of the highest alcohol/blood levels a person can survive.
When families are in recovery one of the first things to emerge from the shadows is kindness and goodness. In the early years of my career, I developed a theory of alcoholism and addiction positing that they chose their substance because they were too sensitive an caring to be able to handle the pains of life.
I think my theory still has some merit. The longer people are in recovery the more I end up liking and admiring them.
One of my dear friends, with over 40 years of sobriety, is the closest person I know to being a saint. He literally lights up a room with his presence.
Sobriety is a rebirth that brings life back to whole families and communities. It’s worth the battle. Get help!!
